| | It's over, the second I wrote that entry about how much I miss you and how much I want to be with you, it's over.
All you could say is that you still cannot handle the pressure.
All you could say was that you don't like me being emo and impatient. All your friends could say about me was that I am emo, childish, mommy's boy, and they didn't like me calling you a bitch back then? Come on, I called you that for a reason, for a reason that you cheated me back then. I apologized after that, so many times. I doubt that you have defended me like how you said, I doubt that you convinced them that who I really am and not like what they thought about me. If you really like me, you will not fear of handling and facing the pressure, I have guaranteed you that my friends do not even care about you. Someone said to me, "Even Amelinda's news is fading already, why does she think something small like this would even let people bother about it?" This just proved that this person doesn't really have anything against you.
I have faith in you, all the while, to conquer your fear. What do I get in the end? "I've promised you when I am ready, you will know. I know. But I might like other guys too. Things can change, it is unfair for you to wait for me and therefore you can choose other girls as well." I really don't get you, can you even see the contradiction? Why do you even want to try your best to handle this pressure when you tell me that you might like other guys and I can choose other girls? You didn't even have the heart to remember the promise you gave me. All you remembered was the phrase that I told you in our last conversation, "Please tell me when you have a boyfriend already." I wanted you to recall what you have said in our last conversation but all you could think of was that phrase itself.
Now you telling me that I am selfish all the time? Who's the one keeping everything to herself? Could you even blame me for saying something for myself when you never told me your situation? You only take moments like this when we have to argue to tell me what's in your mind. Don't you think that is unfair for me? I've been wanting to keep in touch with you all the while in any ways. What can you tell me in msn? "I don't have anything to talk to you wor. Hehe." And I have to look for you each time and get poured cold water by you. You said I am mommy's boy because I am not independent enough. I admit that I am not independent but you know the reason. You know every single reason that you don't like about me and you still don't like it. And you would only tell me when I asked about it.
I took you for granted because each time you never told me anything in detail. You would back off when I stepped in too deep. Even this promise that you gave me, please lar....if you don't think that I am the one for you, don't simply promise anyone anything like this. You said you're scared that you will hurt me again, and that you will try your best to take each considered action so that you wouldn't hurt me in any ways. OH wow...what am I feeling now?
All in all, I think that you still don't take this into consideration deep enough. Have I demanded you to quickly decide? You told me you hate it when I ask about things like this from you, it's like giving you pressure. Oh, I forgot to ask you, "If I don't ask you, when would you tell me?!" You would love to tell me let this flow naturally, and back to what you have promised me, don't you think you took that promise for granted? I have this strong feeling that you tell me all about this contradiction is just wanted me to tell you myself to stop it at this moment. I don't freaking understand how a normal person would choose to consider a tedious thing like this while letting each one of us to fall in love for another person? I don't understand your logic at all. You always tell me that every thing that I say is as though your fault. Hey, don't you think I would think it's hard for me enough to cope with everyone's eye balls when we really be together too? Back to square one, you never told me anything in your heart, how can I say something that is so polite that wouldn't make you think everything is your fault? You know it yourself whether or not you really like me from the bottom of your heart from the statements that I have made. You couldn't even answer me when I asked you about it in MSN. And you complain about me blogging my emo stuff? Please, I've told you years ago that I only blog when I am emo and sad, and you can count how many shit entries that I have written in my blog in a year to know how many times I am sad and emo in this period. Come on! I am a normal human being, I find my blog to channel my emo. If you don't like it, don't read it for goodness sake. Why torture yourself to read people's emo stuff when you can't stand even stand yourselve being emo? Oh my god, I would appreciate if you sacrificed something for me, like seriously, time. But I wouldn't want you to sacrifice something that you don't like about me and doing so many things that contradict to yourself.
All you could say was just "Sorry, I still cannot handle this pressure." While you put all your heart in your friends and studies. I don't have my studies to worry about meh? I don't have friends to mix around meh? But I was still faithfully waiting for your reply until yesterday. You like to say "OMG...", well I like to say "OH MY GOD" too when everything you said in real person is SOOOOO much different from what you said in MSN. You told me it's because you're not good in expressing yourself. But in times like this, couldn't you make an effort to explain it more detailed? You couldn't expect that I can understand your expression in times like this.
At the end of our conversation yesterday, you said, "And so we shu end this? Right?" At that precise moment, I thought to myself that we are really wasting our time. And I really doubt that you are serious in it like what you said. Come on! If you really like me and consider about me, I don't think you would say those very words yourself! And yes, we should end this. Like what you said, and I hope it's not like what you wanted, ei?
Oh I forgot that you have your own blog too, I wonder why you would never give me when I asked from you. First I thought it was your privacy and I respected it. But now I am really curious whether do you just point your fingers to me in your blog like what I am doing now to you or for instance, write which guy among your "candidates" do you really like? WHATEVER, I don't know much about you unless you really tell something about yourself. I can't assume everything myself. Even your own close friends do not know what you are thinking. I wanted to trust you again, but now, think about it, trust you with what?
I am sure there are a lot more guys woo-ing you at this moment, and I think you enjoy it very much. If really, not many guys are trying to woo you, forgive me for being jealous sometimes when you went out alone with a guy and thinking what you are doing all the time!!!! I wanted to understand you, but you never opened your heart. So please stop saying that I don't understand you at all!!!! But anyway, I thank you for going out with me the other day and let me hug you and biting me on my arms in the cinema. It was sweet, I really felt that you loved me. But what did you say after that? "Oh, it was nothing de lar. It's ok" and I apologized for my rude behavior on that day since you didn't really feel like being together with me at all.
These are the things that are in my mind, so what's the point? If you tell me that you like me, prove it to me, I don't want verbal stuff from you. I have never forced you to make any decisions at all! So don't freaking say that I'm giving you pressure when occasionally I need a concrete reply from you to know that you are really taking this seriously.
It's too late for anything now.
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| | Posted 8/11/2008 6:55 AM - 80 Views - 0 eProps - 2 comments
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